U13s storm Kirkby Lonsdale

Date: 24 November 2014

Kirkby Lonsdale U13s  22  Hoppers U13s  32
Sunday 23rd Nov

George Lucas – Hello youngish man. How can I help you?

Youngish Man – I have an idea for you Star Wars sequels. It’s proper amazing. All star cast, laden with big fight scenes, light sabre battles, pod racing and starship busting visuals.

George Lucas – OK. (Pauses a moment to flush the toilet!). You’ve got my attention. I’ll give you 5 minutes whilst I attempt to remove the remainder of this congealed mince and tomato off my collar (“Just like Mamma used to make” – Minozzi Senior). Make it count.

Youngish Man (Now revealed to be an extremely attractive Early 30’s (SIC!) Rugby coach with a masculine beard and the face of a chiselled logger who’s just found ……..more logs) – Let me tell you a story……………


A long time ago in a field far, far away…………
The rebel leaders had gathered following the success of the Jedi plan. As they gathered they spoke of the battle for “Justin’s curry” (and the ensuing “purge of toilet ridge”) and the fallen soldier of “My wife’s away so the Jaeger will play”.

The rebel troops dressed in a heady mix of green and white stood ready to push forward with the rebel plan.

The republic had time to take stock after they had secured a truce with the “Beasts of Sedgley” just a short time before. The rebels knew that from battles of old they would be tenacious in their attempts to break down their resistance using the size of their primary weapons. They would need to defend their lines with resilience and old fashioned noses to the grind spirit.

Admiral Tom will lead the first wave of the attack on the enemy line. The stage was set with the first attacking wave making great strides particularly when pushing the “Scrum” of republic fighters in a fixed attack pattern. Despite the size of the republic units the work rate and skill of the rebels was able to dominate both at the loose “plays” and when arranged in lines of “8 versus 8”.

The republic commander however had other plans and using an age old tactic to punch a hole through the middle of the rebel defence. Once the hole was driven through they allowed a small number of the loftier craft through to score a short lived victory for the aggressors. 

The rebels needed to parry, they needed a response. Wing commander Alex and his flight partners Harry “Maverick” and Declan “Chicken wing Goose” made strides to strike the empire back (….Play on words you see – empire strikes back……see………Mr Lucas?…….see….)

With more power than their rivals and with sight of Victory well within their grasp they spread the attack across the wide spaces of that lush cosmos (Looked a little like a rugby pitch with “stars” and stuff …. I even heard there was some “Mooning” on the opposite pitch!)

With the assimilation of their strengths re-gathered they put space between them and their galactic rivals. Waves of the empires best fighters were able to break the ranks of the rebels, and the rebels know they had to execute their plan in the way the aged Jedis had taught….

“Tackle the legs “Luke**” –


Despite insurmountable odds the rebels had secured a new victory… A new hope….

As they consumed the spoils of their win, they were left with a sense of gentle contemplation. Where now would their journey continue? Would the great green slitherin’s of the “Waterloo” system need to be won, or would the whales of “Warrington” two have a new challenge to take to task…..

Youngish Man – Well?

George Lucas – Well. (Now using the hand dryer like a boxer doing a card trick). Its got some meat hasn’t it. Not sure it would suit our audience through. I tell you what I’ve got a number for a mate who’s into goblins and stuff. Think he’s trying to get some idea for a movie about rings and big feet off the ground.

Get me a McChicken sandwich and a packet of Mentos and I’ll see if the number is in my Filofax.

Youngish Man – “NICE”


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